I’m livid at the emergence of, what I call, “cliff-hanging” anxiety. It begins without an origin I can’t identify, and for hours, usually the whole day, waits behind the fine line of burgeoning into an actual panic attack. This being said, I’d rather have the all-encompassing anxiety finally manifest into a twenty- minute panic attack and be done with it. However, it just cliff-hangs, and I abhorr it. Just climax already, MF!!!
I’m also not proud of my tolerance for pharmaceuticals. I used to say, “it takes a lot to put this kind of horse down.” I’m already on an adequate script of Klonopin. But today, and this has happened before, breakthrough anxiety hijacked my nervous system. So, despite chewing extra Klonopin, I took 1 mg of Xanax, which put me in so much of a sedated state that the change in mood caused a resurgence of anxiety. I have pot, but I’m afraid to smoke it in case it amplifies the already present anxiety.
Having BPD, so many of my moves regarding substance ingestion have been impulsive…as long as I had a “remedy” on hand to counteract any unwanted effects. And that’s not being proactive, it’s being obsessed and akin to one of the personal stories in AA’s Big Book about a physician self-medicating himself to the point of timing, so he’d be able to dose himself in his car, acutely aware of the time he had to get out of the garage and into bed before he passed out midway.
Conclusion for me, untreated mental illness and active substance abuse equate to time-consuming, high-maintenance rituals.